🥒 Pickleball Hits the Snack Aisle — Vlasic “Pickle Balls”
🔥 The Mesa Cup Upset — Bright & Patriquin Shock the #1s
🎾 Singles With Finesse — Johns vs. Staksrud
📊 The Great DUPR Reset — $34.99 to Re-Rate
💩 Colonoscopy vs. Court Time — Read the Aftercare

Let’s get to it!

Well.

We’ve officially made it.

Not just ESPN coverage.
Not just sold-out rec centers.
Not just DUPR drama.

We now have…

Vlasic Pickle Balls.

Yes. That is the name.

Dill Pickle Corn Puffs.
“The volley is on.”
“The perfect doubles team of dill and vinegar.”
“A real pickle putting this bag down.”

Marketing team? Elite.

But WAIT.

There’s more.

Spicy Dill Pickle Balls.

“Serve an ace in snacking.”
“Perfect snack size for away games.”

I cannot.

They literally put the bag on a paddle.

We are not a niche sport anymore.
We are a flavor profile.

⸻

Now let’s talk reality.

People online are saying they taste like a pickle-flavored Cheeto.

Which is either:
• Amazing.
• Horrifying.
• Or both.

Naturally, I zoomed in on the ingredient list.

And listen…

If I need Google Translate to understand what I’m eating,
I’m not eating it.

Corn maltodextrin.
Disodium guanylate.
Red 40 Lake.
Yellow 5.
Green 3.

We’re dyeing our tongues tournament-ball green now.

Hard pass for me.

But I respect the branding commitment.

⸻

You know pickleball has officially hit mainstream when snack brands are designing court-themed packaging around it.

Does the NFL have corn puffs shaped like footballs?
Does the PGA have neon golf dust balls?

No.

We do.

We are the cultural moment.

⸻

So I’m genuinely curious:

Have you seen these in the wild?
Would you try them?
Are we team Dill… or team Spicy Dill?

If you missed it (not sure how you could since it’s all over the internet), Hayden Patriquin and Anna Bright beat Ben Johns and Anna Leigh Waters at the Carvana Mesa Cup last weekend.

In a sweep!

Here’s where it gets interesting.

Earlier that day?

Anna Leigh had already won women’s singles.

And later that same day?

She and Anna Bright would go on to win women’s doubles together (game 2 was fire).

But in between?

Anna Bright and Hayden stepped onto the mixed court…
and took down her own partner.

Think about that for a second.

You share a podium.
You share a strategy.
You share chemistry.

And then you try to beat each other.

⸻

Is that awkward?

Or is that just elite professionalism?

Because there were no soft rallies in this match.

Hayden played HUGE — camping on Anna Leigh’s side, taking space, dictating tempo.

Anna Bright was ice.

Disciplined resets.
Controlled counters.
Letting Hayden initiate offense and choosing her moments.

Composed pressure at its finest.

⸻

And then…

They walked off that court, reset mentally, and teamed up to win women’s doubles together.

That’s high-level competitive maturity.

No ego.
No lingering sting.
Just: next match.

The Federico Staksrud vs. Ben Johns match at the Carvana Mesa Cup was such a good watch.

Mostly because it wasn’t two guys standing at the baseline playing mini tennis.

This was chess at 100 miles per hour.

They drove.
They dropped.
They cat-and-moused at the kitchen.
They pulled each other wide and punished the open court.

ATPs.
Resets.
Midcourt scrambles that looked like full-body sprints.

If you want to see singles that actually has finesse and strategy baked in, watch this:

👉 Federico Staksrud vs Ben Johns — Carvana Mesa Cup

The 9–0 Moment

Game one.

Staksrud comes out and goes up 9–0.

Nine. To. Zero.

And I’m thinking… this could unravel fast.

But Ben doesn’t flinch.

He doesn’t rush.
He doesn’t spray.
He doesn’t panic.

It honestly looked like he was collecting data he’d use in the next games to beat Federico.

Adjusting.
Recalculating.
Solving.

That’s mental toughness.

Not emotional. Strategic.

⸻

Watching this match also reminded me:

Serving in singles is a weapon.

You set the tempo.
You create the first pattern.

It’s not just “put it in play.”

It’s control from ball one.

You could literally feel momentum swing with the serve.

⸻

And let’s talk athleticism.

Sometimes I convince myself that pickleball isn’t a “good” workout.

Then I check my Oura ring.

And I watch singles.

And I stand corrected.

I think it doesn’t feel grueling because it’s fun.

It’s way more enjoyable than swinging my 56-pound kettlebell and doing my double unders.

If you haven’t heard…

Everybody is talking about the big DUPR Reset.

So it felt like my civic duty to at least make you aware in case you want to do something about it.

Here’s the deal:

🗓 March 16 – May 17
💰 $34.99
🎾 Minimum 8 matches
👥 2 different partners (doubles) or opponents (singles)
📈 Your rating can’t go down — you keep the higher one

That’s the pitch.

“Risk-free.”

⸻

Now, my honest take?

I don’t give two sh— (you know).

Mostly because I’m still a little salty from a tournament over a year ago.

I was sitting at a 4.25.

Played a tournament.
We were winning.
Likely first or second.

One of our partners is a doctor.
On call.
Tournament ran THREE HOURS late.

He gets called in.
We have to forfeit.

Boom.

My DUPR drops below 4.0.

Because of a forfeit.

Ever since then?

I’ve been mildly pissy about DUPR.

⸻

Would I love to see if I could push mine back up?

Sure.

Do I even know where I’d go find eight verified matches?

Nope.

⸻

A lot of people online are calling this a money grab.

$34.99 to reassess your rating?

I understand the sentiment.

But what do I know?

If you’re tournament-heavy and chasing brackets, or trying to make it into leagues, maybe this matters.

If you’re mostly playing rec or curated games with friends…

Probably not life-changing.

⸻

So here you go.

If you want to reset your DUPR, now’s your window.

Speaking of not giving two sh—

Let’s talk about my colon.

Yes. We’re doing this.

Because yesterday I had my first colonoscopy.
And I genuinely thought I was going to cancel it.

I’m 47.
I feel healthy.
I was fully prepared to convince myself it was just another medical money racket.

And then…

We walked into our new pickleball league.

They gathered everyone on the court.

And announced that one of our fellow players — 42 years old — just found out she has Stage 4 colon cancer.

We’re dedicating the season to her.

I talked to her after.

I told her I had been planning to cancel mine.

She said, “Don’t. Go get it.”

So I did.

⸻

The Prep (aka The Real Pain in the 🍑)

Let me just say:

Miralax + magnesium citrate + no food for two days?

That is not for the faint of heart.

You stop eating.
You drink liquids.
You flush everything out until it runs clear.

And I mean clear.

So yes.

My colon was pristine.

The Delusion

Here’s where I was overly optimistic.

My procedure was originally scheduled for the morning.

I truly believe if it had happened then, I could have rallied for my 8–10 pm pickleball game.

Eat. Rehydrate. Shake off anesthesia. Show up.

Reasonable, right?

Except…

It got pushed to 5 pm.

By the time I got home at 6, I was:

• Famished
• Dehydrated
• Running on fumes
• Feeling like a limp washcloth

Two days without food plus aggressive laxatives puts you in a serious energy deficit.

There was no chance.

My partner would have hated me.

⸻

The Aftercare Instructions (That I Clearly Ignored Mentally)

I even took a photo of the activity sheet because I cannot believe I thought this was negotiable.

It literally says:

🚫 No strenuous activity for 12 hours
🚫 No activities requiring balance, coordination, alertness, or judgment for 12–24 hours
🚫 No driving
🚫 No important decisions

So basically…

No pickleball.

Because if I don’t have balance, coordination, or judgment, I can’t even keep score.

And let’s be honest — deciding whether to dink or drive is absolutely an important decision.

⸻

The Good News

Clean.

Polyp-free.

Picture evidence included (see above).

⸻

If you’re at the age where your doctor is recommending one?

Go.

I almost didn’t.

And I’m really glad I did.

Pickleball will be there tomorrow.

Your colon health?

That’s the long game (and so glad I don’t have to get another one for 10 years)!

If this one made you laugh, think, or schedule an appointment you’ve been putting off — send it to a partner who appreciates strategy and preventive medicine.

If this landed in your inbox via a friend, hit subscribe so you don’t miss next week’s drop.

Until next week…

Dink smarter. Laugh louder.

And maybe read the aftercare instructions. 🥒💩

— Janelle 🏓✨

P.S. I’m officially over winter.

After being gone for a month, I was so excited to be home…
until I remembered what February feels like.

So I did what any reasonable pickleball addict would do.

Booked a trip to Vegas.
And another to Arizona.

Sun.
Outdoor courts.
No gym floors.

If you’re in Vegas, Phoenix, Mesa, Chandler —
hit reply.

Let’s meet at a park and get some games in. 🌵🏓